Dawn Michael M.A.
Sex Therapist and Marriage Counseling

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Sexless Marriage Article

How Many Times A Week Should A Married Couple Have Sex
 

How many times a week should a married couple have sex?  This was the question that I posted in three different surveys.  I wanted to know if men and women though differently on the subject and what I found out was quite interesting.  In my survey from my blog spot on the happy spouse the majority of women said that married couples should have sex three times a week and the majority of the men said five times a week with a close runner up of three times a week. In my question on Hubpages I got some more detailed information which I will share.  The statics that have been posted are quite shocking when it comes to married people that are living in sexless marriages.

That depends on their time and schedule for the husband and wife, I don't think there is an average, average, it's also depends on their sex drives. One may say once a day, the other may say once a week. One may say twice a day and another may say twice a week. Sex is important in marriage, almost just as important as communication.

This is good question,

I think I'd like to say for me (not married yet) but if I was married I would say 3-4 times a week, even though I most likely would want it every day, but sometimes we have to hold off a bit...........and sometimes you don't. When you have a partner that feels the same way as you, I can imagine it's heaven on earth. I also imagine sex everyday would be very healthy and stimulating.

It's always best to be real with yourself and let your partner know how you feel each

ii3littles says

It’s in the bible! EVERYDAY unless the woman is menstruating or the man or woman is ill. NO EXCUSES!! lol it’s a sacred part of marriage and should not be over looked! That why so many men cheat. God created sex for procreation, yes, but it is also a cure for men's fleshly urges which is why more men than women crave sex.                  

Take a fun interactive poll on sex in marriage   http://www.squidoo.com/sexless-marriage-advice-poll-on-staying-or-leaving-the-marriage              

 I loved the honesty of these two people and ii3lrittles said a fact that I would like to touch on. In the Old Testament or if you are Jewish the Torah it states that a husband and wife should be having sex everyday if the woman is not menstruating.  The laws around this tradition go much deeper if you are to follow it by scripture. The rules are that when a woman is menstruating a man must not touch her at all. In this time the woman is not pure, but this not in a bad way, it actually is genius and of course only GOD could have thought of this in those days when we had no scientific data. What is the point of having sex when a women is not menstruating the odds are very slim that she will get pregnant. Why not wait until menstruation is over when a woman is at her peak of fertility, the man is ready and almost crazy with lust for his wife to create life. In the time of menstruation it is for the man’s purpose not to touch his wife so that he is not tempted. 

                                   

So what does all of this mean in the modern day? It means that there is no norm and creating one is impossible. Sex between married couples is sacred and the glue that holds most marriages together. In conclusion to this survey it really does depend on the couple and the relationship. The one lesson that I did learn is that no matter how many times a couple has sex in a week, if they are still desiring one another it will happen and can happen anytime and anywhere and the sex can be great.

A special thanks to all of you who contributed to my survey!!!!
Are you living in a sexless ma...

Here are more of your comments

From Kelly:
So what should a woman do if her husband only wants sex at the most maybe 3 or 4 times a month. I know he works second, but I wait up for him to get home to spend time with him. Even had on a sexy outfit one time when he got home and NADA!
We've talked, we've fought, he says I want it too much and that hes either too stress too tired or something. I've even got up before our son woke up to try to get him into the mood and still NADA.
I would LOVE if it was 2 to 3 times a week, but I'm lucky if I even get that.
Hes actually told me he doesn't see what the big deal about sex is, he loves me and i love him and I know he loves and and visa versa.

I'm at the point I'm going NUTS! I've even mentioned about seeing a sex therapist and all he says is when do we have the time. Any advice?! I feel like I'm going nuts!


 Response from Dawn:
 
Hi Kelly, as a sex therapist I do appreciate other people writing in and then posting so that others can be helped as well.  The fact is...sex is important in a marriage, it is the glue that holds the marriage together, it defines two people from just being friends.  I am not sure what is going on with your husband, but I would recommend even before the two of you see a therapist is to get his hormone levels checked it could be that he is not producing enough testosterone.  After the results come back if he is fine with his hormones then it would be best to go see a professional, like myself, we are trained  to help couples that go through exactly what you are going through.
 
Dawn Michael

Don Simkovich I would think once weekly to every 10 days for a couple who's been married quite a while . . . If a couple can share their desires and fantasies with each other than this will help . . . otherwise, if communication shuts down or isn't allowed by one partner, than frustration can set in. The amount of times for having sex flows out of that.

Response from Dawn:
Hi Don, well it does depend on the couple and in many surveys both male and female said that three times in a week is what they would like but the reality is that once a week would even be good for some.  Sex takes work in a marriage and if couples don't add fun and play like you said with communication and fantasy then the sex can get boring and pushed off for other things in the marriage.

dashingscorpio I suppose it varies from person to person and NOT couple to couple. For example a man may want sex 4 times a week but his wife is very content with once a week. In a typical year of 52 weeks that equals 208 VS 52 times a year. I would say they're sexually incompatible.  Ultimately everyone wants to be true to themselfs as well as be accepted as they are. In an ideal world each person in a relationship would have similar sex drives.  The problem is when a couple first gets together both people are "hot and heavy". It's only after the relationship has gone on for a while that each person reverts to their "normal/natural sexual drive"  Unfortunately by then there is usually an emotional commitment, a promise to be loyal, or marital vows have been exchanged. No one files for divorce over their spouse's lack of a sex drive.  They usually resort to cheating or they take out their sexual frustration on their mate by complaining about other things in the relationship.

 
Steve well i can tell you that when a couple does not agree with how often - it can be hell. i am in my mid 40's and i would like sex several times a day if could get it. my wife on the other hand does not like sex and once every week or two is good enough - if there is time, and if there is nothing else that needs to get done (like organize a sock drawer). to her, she wants a quick orgasm and then she is done. i have tried being patient and understanding for years. at this point i am very impatient and turning bitter about it. i know it can't always be perfect and sexy, but damit - it could be occasionally!! and no - it isnt me or my skills. i have the right equipment and i have never had issues with other women. i think the problem relates back to her first marriage when her ex husband was a bit sexually abusive to her - pushed her to do things that she didnt want to do. i didnt recognize this problem early in our relationship because being fresh new lovers masked this problem. now she just lays there and grinds her teeth until i finish - i can't have sex like this anymore - i refuse!

Dawn, I just finish writing an article titled “The Sanctity of Sex in a Marriage” for the exact reason that you wrote about and this is that sex in a marriage and the lack of it is a growing problem. Sex is a huge part of marriage and when one of the spouses feels unsatisfied it can lead to cheating and eventually divorce.

Steve Thank you Dawn! I will definetely check it out. It is very hard for me because she wants me to beleive that I am some sex fein because I want sex. If I suggest to her that I need sex, it makes the situation worse because she feels like I am forcing her - that is the last thing I would ever want to do. I am almost at the point where I don't want to have sex with her because it is so awful. She keeps pullling away, she says don't touch me there, etc. it almost feels like she is feeling like I am forcing myself on her - which is NOT at all true - I hate it. We have had a few great sexual times (about 3 in the last 10 years), this was mostly when she has had a few drinks. If we go out and I try to encurage her to have a few drinks, she is very resistant because she doesnt want to get into that "sexul" mood. She is also quick to point out that we have had a few good times (3), and that we have responsabilities and sex cant always be hot and wild. She will then usually remind me that I always have my hand to take care of myself! I could go on and on, but to me it seems that she has decided in her mind that she doesnt like sex and it is simply a neccessary evil. I simply want to have some passion and desire from my wife - is that too much to ask? I know it cant always be great, but what would be "fair" for me to expect? I would also like to point out that we are in our early 40's and we both look young and attractive. She is very attractive and I am very sexually attracted to her. I need help bad.

left hand love Since my son was born seven tears ago I am lucky if I have sex 3 times a year let along a week. My wife says she is uncomfortable with her body and that she has menstrual cycles every few weeks. She ask for me to have a vasectomy but I have refused, if I knew 100% that would improve our sex life I would. I tell her that our sex life isn't normal and she thinks its in my head but I can understand why divorce rates are up if there are women out there that think couples in there late thirties, yearly forties want a divorce or have an affair when they are not getting it at home, your hand can only be your friend for so long. I dont want to be another statistic but I am going crazy. I mean I tell her she looks great, i buy her sexy clothes and lingerie it doesn't make a difference, she is embarrassed to show me her body, she is pushing me away and she seems to not care. I'm afraid if I had the opportunity to have an affair I would welcome it with open arms.

Dawn
Left hand love, what is happening in your marriage is not acceptable. I am not saying the frequency of sex in a marriage but three times a year is not normal and not acceptable. If a couple has sex one a week and it is passionate quality sex than that can even be better than three times a week with not passion or quality. Your wife needs to understand that men gain much of their closeness from their wives through love making and when that is gone it is very hard for a man to remain in a marriage no matter how much he loves her or the children. What you need to do it not accept this anymore, and tell your wife that she must get help, have her hormones checked, see a marriage counselor with you. Be direct with her and let her know that you are thinking about having and affair or leaving the marriage if she does nothing. If your wife refuses to speak to a professional or get help than you need to talk to someone about what is right for you and how to deal with the situation. Having an affair is not the answer, facing your wife is and being strong about it!!!!!

82 I'm 28 and my wife is 29, we are both Christians. we're one year married (16 months) - and we've never had a great sex life (It was quite soar when we first started and it put us off abit, then we started to use gel to help). And I find this very hard, as I get frustrated. I thought after the initial stages of getting used to each other and not really knowing how to make love that things would pick up. But they really haven't. I'd love to be making love 3-4 times a week. But sadly, often I feel more like the way we were like before we got married (boyfriend and girlfriend) - only now we share a bed. I do love my wife and wife tells me she loves me and I trust her. But I really do feel unsatisfied sexually. I also really want to have children (my wife says she does too) but I know thats never going to happen unless we are making love more often. I try...but then she tells me she is tired and more often then not i feel rejected and then get kinda angry although I never take it out on her. Then she will want to hold hands, the next day or kiss me or other public signs of affection and I don't feel like it as I don't feel that's how she feels in bed. I must be doing something wrong. I do feel it puts us under strain at times though and we are so fresh into our marriage.

Dawn Hi 82st1, I would like to help you and I will talk a bit but it seems that I would need much more information from you to really help.  The first thing that I have to say, is you must work this issue out before you have children, because after kids, it becomes even more difficult in many ways for a couple to have regular sex. Men derive a deep connection from their wife’s when making love to them and it seems that you are not being nourished in this way. This problem needs to be resolved, because sex at this part of your marriage should be fun and exciting and enjoyable. It sounds as though from what you said that sex is painful for your wife? Or she does not enjoy it? Technique? There is so much that can be done concerning all of this. If you do need further help and counseling that is my specialty, we could talk or you could and your wife could talk. I have a website with all of my information... go to my profile and the link is there. Regardless if you can talk to me or not do not brush this under the carpet, you have to talk to your wife about it and get help.

Comments

Comments : For the last ten years my husband and i rarely have sex due to his schedule and stress. The whole thing led to me having an affair 3 years ago just to have sex. I am still completely frustrated. Ive tried online sex, porn, ect...and im a woman! I have no idea what to do but its pretty much destroyed the relationship :-( im tried of doing myself. Its not making me happy enough to stay anymore..

Response from Dawn:
Hi and thank you for your comment, what I can say is that sex and closeness from another person is a natural human need and emotion and when a person is married male or female and they are not getting that then yes there is a high incidence of cheating out of desperation.  The best thing that you can do at this point is get counseling for you to decide how you want to live your life and if you want to continue in this marriage.

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